


'this hazy cosmos'

by commuovere



Category: boku no hero, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Angst, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Friendship, Love, Love Triangles, Male-Female Friendship, POV Bakugou Katsuki, Pining Bakugo, Swearing, Tsundere Bakugou Katsuki, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 07:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15480327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commuovere/pseuds/commuovere
Summary: She will never really be his, but Bakugo will never fail to be the one she needs anyways.





	'this hazy cosmos'

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are welcome!!

“If you’re waiting for him, he’s not coming.”

Katsuki grunts, irritated that his voice sounded hoarse, and consequently more aggressive than he intended. She flinches, whipping around and reactively grabbing her exercise bag with a flash of anticipation until she realizes it’s just him.

Her shoulders fall and he grunts when he notices. _At least don’t make it so obvious, dumbass. That hurts._

Ochako has been sitting on the bench for hours but the field training grounds are deserted, the only sound being the gentle rush of a late afternoon breeze sweeping through the grass. Katsuki wishes she’d at least change out of her training clothes, at least embody the self-respect she _usually demanded_ instead of waiting for the piss-faced broccoli head that forgot he had a training date. Again. Earlier today he watched Izuku carve out time to train his quirk today. He watched Ochako make it to her training date five minutes early. And he watched himself in the reflection of the window, wondering if he would ever be the cause of her flushed cheeks.

“No, he will. He promised. I double checked last night.” Ochako motions to her cellphone with a weak wave, but it’s obvious she doesn’t believe it herself. She’s digging her shoes into the ground, the same way she always does when she lies. Without a beat, the wind picks up on her empty, futile bluff, pulling strands of hair out of her painstakingly perfect ponytail. He twitches.

“Oh, I forgot, It’s because he’s great with promises isn’t he?” Katsuki growls, and Ochako sends a rueful glare his direction.There’s anguish and confusion, and the little hint of a stubborn “I know you’re right twisting there. He wishes he hadn’t tried to match her gaze, a pressing, throbbing pain crawling across his chest when he does. Then again, Katsuki wishes for a lot of things he can never have– like the ability to look away from those penetrating, auburn eyes. But, he never did have enough time with her. It’s better to use every second against his better judgement.

“No, it’s because he’s Izuku,” she mutters softly, but her voice trembles with resignation to let it go. _Because he’s kind. Because he’d never do anything to hurt you right?_

Katsuki sighs, and its heavy like he’s been holding it since the moment he realized she was _the reason_. Ochako tucks her chin into her chest, adamantly refusing to meet his eyes. Her knuckles split white from clenching her gym shorts, and Katsuki has half a mind to take her hands, brush his fingers over the swirled calluses, and tell her she’s worth the whole cosmos above. That each scar she held was a constellation. That inside her was the entire universe

A flash of scorching heat peels across his skin, forearms pulsing with what he wasn’t sure was just heat but an intense rage and longing.

 _Longing_. No, no, anger.

Anger that Izuku could possibly forget the training dates, could possibly disregard the feelings she gifted him and that he was responsible for. Angry that Ochako, a girl who’s manhandled Overhaul, a girl who’s mastered the limits of her quirk and bewitched him with her magic, was currently sitting defeated and downtrodden in front of him. Angry at himself. For not realizing sooner that he was smitten until year three—year three, when she’s taken by the man he once thought took everything from him. Maybe, back then, it hadn’t been everything. But now, with her, it certainly felt like it was.

Katsuki wants to take her by the shoulders and shake it out of her her. All the pain… it was his job to feel it, not her. It was his job to handle the burdens, not her. It was his job to rage against the light, so that she can still find it within her to smile. And he wants to shake it into her, that she is allowed to feel hurt and dismayed, even if Izuku is inherently good. But he can’t. He will never be able to bring it up. Because while he wants it to be his business, he knows that she will _never actually_ be his business.

Because Ochako loves Izuku. That’s just the way it’s always been.

“Bakugo, I thought you had quirk practice too?” Her voice sounds disembodied, unbelieving of the fierce soul he knows she carries. But it’s not that she’s pushing him away. She’s vying for time to wipe her tears, testing the waters to see if she’ll be alone.

“I cancelled.” He swallows. “ Mom’s birthday tomorrow, I have to go downtown for a present.” He clears his throat but it doesn’t take him long to backtrack. _Shit, shit–God, you IDIOT. That still doesn’t answer why the fuck you’re here._

“Then, why..?”

“Later.” He cuts her off, and runs a sweaty hand through his mess of hair. If it was like any normal day, Ochako would tease the hell out of him. But not today.

“Right. Later.”

An uncomfortable, muddled silence falls in between and Katsuki can’t help but think how exhausted he is. Tired of picking up after Izuku. Tired of wishing for things to happen. Tired of-

Longing.

He sucks in a deep breath, taking cautioned steps towards the empty space by Ochako’s side. Despite painstakingly knowing it’s not reserved for him, he sits himself anyways. And he breathes, slouching to let his head rest against the bench, slouching so he can watch the passing summer clouds, and slouching to ignore the pieces of hair floating around her cheeks and how otherworldly it made her seem.

“He’s a fucking idiot…but he still…” Loves you. ”…cares about you. He's focusing on number one but that shouldn’t take away from you. It does. But he’s not…doing that consciously.” Katsuki stumbles over his words, not used to praising anyone and Izuku at that.

But after years of suffering from animosity and insecurity towards broccoli boy, here was defending his classmate, rival, his…whatever, all for the sake of lighting the fire in the eyes of a girl, that’s not his girlfriend yet wishing that she was. _How fucked up are you?_

Ochako instinctively copies Katsuki’s position, eyes wandering to the sky to meet the clouds.

“I..I know. But it makes me wonder how much of a second I am in all of this.” Her voice croaks, and she licks her lips to mask it. As if Katsuki really cared about that. As if Katsuki hadn’t already seen her in her most vulnerable moments.

“You are never a second unless you actually believe that you are. Since when did you give yourself up like that?”

The sunset dawns upon them slowly –chirping insects, twisty gusts of wind, bits of of coral dust on everything. Even on her, where her peach skin blends her into the universe, far, far away where he would never be able to reach her.

“I don’t know. It just happened. Every time…every time he forgets, I lose sight of myself a little more.”

 _I know._ He wants to say, but that would mean Katsuki was paying close attention, and she didn’t know that. That would mean Katsuki cared a little–a lot–more than usual, and she didn’t know that.

“But you gotta love yourself before you…care about anyone else. Or else it’s gonna be easy to feel like shit. Everyone will be able to step on you. And you’re not about to let that happen, are you?”

From the corner of his eye he can tell Ochako is watching him, and he attempts desperately to ignore it by focusing on tracing the shapes of irregular clouds. But it doesn’t take long to succumb to her, as always. A grin is toying with her lips, and though its a sharp contrast to the hollowness of her eyes, it’s definitely a start.

“You’re right. And you’re being nice for once, Bakugo,”

“Me? Nice? Where did you get that idea? I’m not your fucking psychologist, fix your own damn problems.” He pretends, an easy farce really. But he hates the way he notices how she says “Bakugo”. He hates the way it makes him shiver, and hates the way he wonders what it would be like if she said “Katsuki” instead. It takes a hell of a lot of restraint not to let the nitroglycerin steaming through his palms expose his secret. But damn, does his body reverberate an unnatural amount of heat.

She lets a ghost of a snort get stolen by the breeze, and shakes her head

“Don’t worry. I know that you aren’t reponsible. But I’m still glad you’re here anyways.”

Ochako can say that easily, because she’s not his. Because she doesn’t blush when Katsuki’s around. Because she doesn’t feel like she’s finding it hard to breathe, like her body is trembling and that she might just give off her quirk and float to the sky. She doesn’t feel all those things, so she sits here and tells him that she’s glad for his presence like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like it doesn’t mean a thing.

Eventually, Katsuki caves into his jitters. He lets his eyes wander over her visage, from the sunken curve of her eyes, to the heart shaped bow of her lips, to the always pink tickle of her cheeks. He allows himself, just for a moment, to do this, for just a fleeting second as the evening weather masks the thumping of his heart and the way his lips almost mutter her name. Ochako.

_Longing…_

_Ochako._

And that was enough. Katsuki was done. That was enough for today. He pulls himself to his feet, body flushing with anticipation, anger, _(longing)_ , a rush to release it all, _(longing)_ , and a crevice to forget this wish of his that he knows will never be answered.

“So, what are you going to do about it, Uraraka,” He speaks, twisting in the turf to face her, his words a gruff yet unrelenting challenge. He starts building his defense, one by one, layer by layer, until he’s locked out everything about the way those eyes made him feel. Because now is not the time to wish for impossible things, to imagine how maybe, possibly, her fingers would fit perfectly in the spaces between his. Now is not the time to be soft on the girl who needs to be strong.

Because the Ochako in front of him needs a different Katsuki. She needs the Katsuki with a bruising temper, the one with bursting resentment and agitation, the one who will light a match to ignite the fire in her veins. She needs the one who will anger her, so much so that she will stand without provocation, and fight until her muscles refuse to move an inch more. Because sometimes she forgets that she already possesses unmatchable strength and maybe she needs someone to remind her to never bow her head. So he will be that Katsuki, whether the universe supported the venture or not. He will be what she needs.

He watches as she slowly lets go of the vice grip on her training sack. Ochako leans down, double checking the careful ties on her sneakers, and then pops back up to land on her feet with a bouncy leap.

“You know very well what I’m going to do about it.”

And this time, she looks straight at him, straight into his crimson eyes, and past the hard, seemingly disappointed press of his lips. She looks straight through every crevice, past his fortified castle of defense, and for a second Katsuki wonders what it was like to know how to breathe. She sees him and only him now and she’s ready. Her loose shoulders tell him that she’s ready.

 _Finally_. Katsuki exhales, unraveling the suffocating, constricted mess in his chest. Explosions he’s been subduing crackle excitedly in his palms as they release. Ochako walks to the center of the field, this time the flooding spark of wildfire in her eyes sending a last flirt of goosebumps up his skin.

At last, there was no thought of Izuku. There was only the charred hue of dusk flourishing in the sky behind Ochako’s figure like a ceremonial crown. She gestures, a testing curve of her lips, and in this limbo called sunset, where the magnificent dance between night and day continues, there was only Katsuki and Ochako. Two oblivious sparring partners, both trying to bury a feeling they sometimes regret, and simultaneously using each other to do it.

He hates this. The one way road to eternal pining that he’s cursed with. But right now, when it allows him to be right here in front of the person he was damned to care about the most, he was okay with it. He breathes in the hazy cosmos, and smiles.

**_“Bring it on, angel-face,”_ **


End file.
